I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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