the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
