i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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