what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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