No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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