Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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