Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
