I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
it's like iHOP with fire
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
