He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
