i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
