Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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