Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize