When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
