I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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