Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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