I don't remember. Are we still dating?
it was like eating out sand paper
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize