Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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