guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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