I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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