I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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