nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
