If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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