Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
