I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
