yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
