What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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