He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
