you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
