I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
God I need to hump something, right now.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
