so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
