I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
