I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
