The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Randomize
