I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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