I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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