yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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