She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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