I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
