I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
