I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
