We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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