Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Randomize
