There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
