Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
