he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
