If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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