life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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