So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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