i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize