i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
