It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Come on in and take your pants off
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