i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
