this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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