don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
