Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
