I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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