oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you will always have a special place in my vag
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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