i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
