You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
