i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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