Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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