The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
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